It is currently 9:22pm on the sunday before my first last exam ever and I'm having the biggest existential crisis of my life, so I thought, what better way to deal with my overwhelming flood of emotions than to open up the old macbook and type away.
For those of you who may not know, an 'existential crisis' is a moment where you reach the point in your life where you start to really question your existence. And no, not in a "why am I alive I want to kill myself my life is useless" kind of way, in a "why do humans exist...why do I bother studying for an exam when I'm going to die one day anyway."
My current questions follow the following kind of stream.
Why am I bothering to post blogs and try to make youtube videos and promote my fallen instagram when everybody has done it and continues to do it and I'm but a spec of dust on a spec of dust in the entirety of the world. Yes, it's to express myself and have somewhere where I can escape to (like right now) and share my opinions of the world, but why bother? No-one bloody well reads this crap anyway and there are plenty of bloggers who have successful fan-bases...why should I get lucky enough to rise above and become like them?
Why do I bother buying expensive makeup and worrying about clothes and finding decorative things for my room to photograph? Like, seriously? Everyone has a face, why do we bother covering it up with expensive chemicals? Yes, it's creative and fun and what-not, but god I would save SO MUCH MONEY PAINTING A DAMN PICTURE RATHER THAN MY SKIN. And like I'm ever going to be up to date on the latest fashions, they change so much that I only just got a pair of boyfriend jeans the other day. The. Other. Day. Everyone has legs, everyone has a torso, and MY GOD every woman has boobs why is it so socially unacceptable to let them be free instead of paying fifty dollars for a fucking padded piece of material. Seriously I could sew the shit together my self.
And finally, the big one that is haunting my mind right this second, and will continue to be on my mind over the course of the next two months until the day I complete my last one...
Why do I even bother with exams? In the short term aspect of things, I'm likely to be able to average all around and get the ATAR I need to get into the courses I want anyway, so why the hell do I even bother trying to do well? As the saying goes, "C's get degrees". A's get a lifetime spot in your heart, and not the "wow, look how well I did" place, the "I tried way too hard at life" place. I'm very aware that currently, the smarter students who understand everything yet still study for hours on end, are studying right now, trying to cram as many quotes from Shakespeare and conventions of visual texts in there head before "the big day". Yeah, the big day of 10 other big days I have to go through. So they're doing that, while I am literally sitting here in bed with my computer on my knees typing about how un-phased I am about whether or not I pass or fail this exam. Normally I'm pretty hard on myself with grades. I'm not one of the kids who gets things easily or can bear to study for more than an hour a day. I have to work hard to get around 70's and 80's, however right now I couldn't care less if I got a 50 or less.
I realise I have turned this post into more of a "let's complain about the universe", but I do believe I make extremely valid points.
Mise En Scene (the term for what is literally right in front of you)
Nik xx
(P.S. I apologise for the lack of effort in the introductory artwork, I did not feel like getting out of bed, walking to the study, taking some inspirational picture of confusion, loading it onto my laptop, editing it, and uploading it at what is now 9:42pm. Have this question mark instead...)
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